Unmasking the Resistance to Interracial Love – Exploring the Challenges Faced by Black Women in Dating Across Color Line

The stares, the dirty looks, and the snarking comments under their breath are all negative interactions Black women receive as they step out of their homes with White men. Just “come home, sista,” come back home and do what you are supposed to do and leave that White man for a Black man. This was the basis of the Gonlin’s paper, “Come back home, sista!”: reactions to Black women in interracial relationships with White men. After interviewing over 80 highly educated Black women, it was revealed that Black women receive the most heat from Black men and White women. As a Black woman myself, I was affirmed in my experiences of what it is like to love across the color line yet still be a part of the Black community. 

Giving context, as Black women, we are part of a double minority; being Black and a woman, according to societal norms and standards, we do not belong with someone who is a part of the double majority, a White man. According to social structures that have been formed and followed for too many years, someone from the bottom is not supposed to interact with someone on the top, and when they do, it challenges people’s worldview. We all know that people do not like change. 

One worldview that gets rocked is Black men. Gonlin describes it as “crossing the colour line and dissing a brother,” Black women receive the most hate and judgment for dating White men from Black men. There is a double standard here because it is more acceptable in the Black community for Black men to date White women but not the other way around. Again, with the social structures, it is okay for a Black man to date a White woman for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because he is a man, a Black man, yes, but he still has some leverage because he is a man. Secondly, White women can “help” a Black man succeed. A White woman has power because of her race and, therefore, can “help” Black men reach their successes. With that being said, Gonlin theorizes that Black men feel as if it is okay to call out Black women for dating White men due to their shared racial identity.

Diving into this idea a little deeper, a lot of assumptions are made when a Black man feels like it is appropriate to vocalize his opinions about a Black woman dating a White man. For example, “expressions like ‘come back home sista’ indicate that Black women have lost their way, from the Black community, from her family,” Gonlin explains in her paper. For someone to assume that is the case is exceptionally bold, especially when considering the population that was interviewed: Black, highly educated women. These women are not “lost,” I would argue that they know exactly what they want. Furthermore, Black women can have both; we can date a White man and still love our community and family. The real question is, can Black communities and Black families love and care for us despite her dating a White man? I believe this is something that Black communities and families need to work on. We should not have to sacrifice being with who we love to make other people feel comfortable and happy. 

Adding on to this idea, when Black men vocalize their opposition to a Black woman’s relationship with a White man, the use of the word Black has a negative connotation. For example, an interview participant recalls a time when a Black man said, “You Black bitch.” For a Black man to take the pride and joy of being Black and revert it back to being a race of pain and hurt is upsetting. I believe there are two motives behind these words. Firstly, vocalizing to the Black woman loud enough for the White man to hear and remember that he is with a Black woman. Secondly, for the Black woman to know that she is a Black woman and no matter how hard she works, she will always be a Black woman. This is extremely disheartening because the Black community is supposed to be uplifting to one another, yet Black men are doing the complete opposite. Another interesting idea from this is there is no point in Black men saying these harmful comments because they do not want us Black women anyway; they are dating White women. They simply do not want to see us sistas with White men. And if this is the case, who should we be with? Again, this shows that Black women cannot win. 

Now, shifting to the other side of the spectrum, Black women also receive judgment from White women. Gonlin theorizes that White women feel as if they have the “right” to judge Black women for their dating preferences because they share the same gender identities. The most common ways Black women experienced judgment from White women, according to the women Gonlin interviewed, was getting through to Black women by flirting with their White boyfriends and threatening to do things that would end the relationship. One interviewer shares an encounter with White women, “White women would try to hit on [my White husband] in front of men. Like ‘she’s just a Black girl.” By making this statement, the White woman diminishes the value of the Black girl down to her race and disregards the rest of her as if Black is all she is and all she will ever be.

Additionally, White women who flirt with Black women’s White partners elicit the idea that White women do not take their relationship seriously and do not believe that the relationship will last. Overall, I think that White women act in this manner because they feel threatened by Black women and are not used to being in competition with White men. But if White women and Black men do not want us to date White men, but Black men also don’t want to date us, then who are we supposed to date? 

The hate indeed continues to affect women, and Gonlin notes four different common feelings that came up for Black women. Firstly, ashamed or embarrassed for not “upholding the race.” Secondly, they are ashamed of their ancestors. Thirdly, frustrated or indignant by the double standard. Lastly, race and gender power dynamics allow Black men with White women to be more socially acceptable. Due to the history between Black and White people and the social structures that exist in the world, Black women are fighting these internal battles daily. The weight we carry for loving someone who just so happens to be White is a burden that should not have to be taken. It is time to release Black women from the expectations to preserve the existence of the Black race and let us love across the color line if we so desire.